The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The human personality is made of five key elements
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
mentally somewhere in italy
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.