Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
You Might Also Like
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick