Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Print is alive and well!!!

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

I basically called this earlier today

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”