Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.