The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sorry not sorry.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen