Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.