The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Shower sex be like:
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
When ur friends with white people
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.