Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

The symmetry is uncanny.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

My dog after a walk in the woods.