The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.