Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move