The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”