Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose