The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands