Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

[shakes fist at other fist]

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”