The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear