The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.