The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue