Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

the zen of frog

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My first son he is wonderful

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up