Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

doing your own taxes

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.