the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Dolls on drugs
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.