Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.