the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The government even made aliens boring
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.