the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people