Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?