Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

They’re stuck in your pants?

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is