The Joker was right
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
my retirement plan is braless
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before