The Joker was right
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks