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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
This kid is going places
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.