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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m too immature for adultery.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.