Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*