Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.