The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Sing it!
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.