The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever


A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.


ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.


[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.


Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?


Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything


“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”