@PinkCamoTO

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

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@fuzzlime

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

@beefman138

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

@clichedout

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@_stylr

20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.

@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@TheBoydP

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”