Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

😭😭😭

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

sometimes we need to be reminded

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.