The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The photographer’s assistant
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.