The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
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[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Love this guy