Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.