the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.