Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

ㅤ

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings