The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
thats my bad
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.