The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
when you are just born a rebel
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.