The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….