The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.