The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
the official breakfast of 2021
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
me when i see my girls butt
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.