Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids