The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.