Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

next level snooze

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS