Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.