Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

that de-escalated quickly

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.