Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

LMAO.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.