Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

dream blunt rotation

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.