the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
next level snooze
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
two people or more is called a problem
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence