the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*