The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
He a real one for that
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I think we should hear other voices.