Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Overindulged this afternoon.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth