The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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Waking up has backfired on me so many times
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.