The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You Might Also Like
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
TRAIN’S HERE
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Best spoiler warning ever
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
We need more people like this.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
