The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I hate my earbuds.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no