The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.