The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
#milo
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.