The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Wait a minute
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”