The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.