The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Feel how cold my hand is. And I have another one just like it.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously