Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Order here:
More here:

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison