The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
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I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
What’s so funny?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered