why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Time for evil
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick