@mindflakes: The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird
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@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@MUMSIEesq: CASHIER: This bag of chips is open ME: Yup C: This bag of candy is open M: Yup C: This bag of-- M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
@UghNotAgain: Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
@mimicz: Guy: I don't deserve you. Girl: Awwwww...you're so sweet... Guy: I don't mean that in a good way.