Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
#Caturday
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead