The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Stop it! 😂
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.