The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My dream job is getting paid to dream
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!