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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.