The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…