The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
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My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Ape together strong
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.