The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
