Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.